Trump Finally ‘Wins’ Nobel Prize

Maria Machado, the Venezuelan political activist and former Nobel Peace Prize holder, met with Donald Trump, the US President and recent Nobel Peace Price recipient. They beamed broadly for the rows of press photographers packed in the Oval Office, both clearly reveling in their newfound good fortune. They were accompanied by Elon Musk, political agitator and founder of Neuralink.

Giving Trump the world’s most prestigious and coveted symbol of peace was an act of pure altruism, insisted Machado. ‘President Trump was so kind to meet me!’ she gushed. ‘He is so busy, and he generously took time out from finalising his invasion plan of Greenland to accept this…gift!’.

Trump, characteristically humble, added ‘I accept this medal, which should have gone directly to me in the first place. It’s with its rightful owner now. The Noble Peace Prize Panel made a mistake, a very terrible mistake, which they’ll regret.’, he said ominously as his eyes narrowed and smile faded. ‘Reichskommissariat Stefan Müller is drawing up the appropriate response as we speak’.

This reporter posed the question, ‘what are your plans for the future, Ms. Machado?’. ‘My intention is to return to the country I love, Venezuela!’, she replied joyfully. ‘The CIA have kindly and very unexpectedly offered to install me as the next unelected president of my country!

When asked to comment on the timing of the ascension to the Venezuelan presidency and her unprecedented gifting of a Nobel Award to Trump, Machado recoiled in horror. The implied smearing of Trump and Machado’s unimpeachable character drew a swift rebuke from the former, who immediately applied a 100% tariff, with immediate effect, and banned him from the White House.

At that moment, Trump growing weary of the lack of attention, nodded to gaming-guru Musk. He surreptitiously powered up his controller and, with tongue firmly wedged in the corner of his mouth, remotely and silently commanded her towards the door. She first turned stiffly, then lurched forward alarmingly, sending end tables and Ming vases crashing to the floor. She slammed painfully into the doorframe several times before successfully exiting the door to the helicopter spooling up outside.

Trump then theatrically announced the immediate demolition of the Lincoln Memorial, which would make way for the new Donald J Trump Peace Prize Center.

Trump – ‘Bored’ of Peace

Donald Trump, President of the USA and bestower of olive branches *, heralded the inaugural convening of the Board of Peace. The Board will be tasked with carving up the recently demolished Gaza strip for redevelopment.

Trump will act as the chairman of the Syndicate, while prospective members can gain access to lucrative building contracts in exchange for $1 billion – membership runs for a three year term. The generated funds will be safely held in Trump’s personal bank – all major cards are accepted – and the proceeds, minus 90% card handling fee, will go to property developers to build Trump’s garish vision for Gaza.

Gathered journalists pressed the President in what capacity the Board will achieve peace, to which he replied piously ‘interference by any nation with the peaceful running of any casinos or hotels in Gaza will see them wiped from the face of the Earth’.

Tony Blair, a former UK Prime Minister, was introduced as a sitting board member. Blair, as PM, played a prominent role in the liberation of Iraq and Afghanistan, which unfortunately, due to a slight oversight, saw the region descend into a bloodbath of sectarian violence and score-settling claiming hundreds of thousands of lives.

Asked whether the events there, and his subsequent earning of the moniker ‘The Great Satan’, could possibly interfere with the mission of the Board, Blair assured with the sincerity only a lawyer can muster that he didn’t think so.

‘I served many years as a solicitor, which I think you will agree is a virtuous, transparent and noble profession. Little blips happen, but this time I swear I’ll get it right!, he declared hopefully.

Trump introduced his son-in-law Jared Kushner, heir to his father’s property development firm, and one of New York’s largest, as another member of the Board. ‘Kushner is here only in an advisory capacity, and his presence on the board of the largest property development project on the planet is merely a coincidence’, Trump muttered without his usual bluster.

Trump then announced he had also invited President Putin to the Board of Peace. ‘Unfortunately he couldn’t make it here today due to an outstanding ICC warrant for his arrest on war crimes’, Trump sympathised.

The press was then asked to leave while the board members queued, kneeled and kissed the sitting Trump’s hand. ‘I wish to pay my respects, Mr. Trump’, fawned one member. ‘Please, call me Don’.

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Greta Thunberg – Selfless Martyr

Greta Thunberg, climate change campaigner and bowl-cut adherent, was arrested recently while accompanying a convoy delivering aid to Gaza. She was released several days after her arrest, near the flashpoint Israeli-Gaza border, where she recounted to gathered reporters the horrors of her incarceration.

‘They called me nasty names’, she shouted, trying to make herself heard over the din of Isreali airstrikes on a UN food convoy about a mile behind her. She paused a moment, clearly irked, to allow the last of the charred tires, engine blocks and UN aid workers to rain from the sky before continuing.

‘I had to sleep on a bed with a non-hypoallergenic pillow and mattress and I had to eat cereal containing artificial colours and sweeteners, she screeched with tear-filled eyes. ‘The CO2 footprint of the bowl they served it in was simply unconscionable’, she added. ‘I call on the UN to declare my torture a crime agasint humanity.

Asked why she hadn’t accepted the offer by the Vatican to deliver the aid, which would certainly have gotten through unmolested, she stated ‘we wouldn’t have had the opportunity to show the world Isreal destroying UN aid convoys, duh’.

When this reporter proffered that the aid could have saved Gazan lives, Thunberg replied patronisingly ‘well, I wouldn’t be standing here making this statement to the world if I’d done that, now would I?!’.

A van pulled up next to the podium she stood on, belching thick, black smoke. She announced she was leaving, paused before getting in and addressed the ‘elephant in the room. ‘This van runs on a blend of old pyrolised socks and underwear worn by my commune, and has a very low CO2 foorprint’ she bleated unconvincingly.

And then, in a cloud of blood-thickening smoke, she was gone.

ICE Is Where The Money Is

ICE recruitment offices saw a dramatic surge in interest yesterday after reports that Jonathan Ross, an ICE agent who shot disobedient Minneapolis citizen Renee Good dead during a tense stand-off last week, received a GoFundMe payout of $1 million. The money was raised by supporters of ICE, the paramilitary wing of the Republican party, which received large donations made by long time Republican supporters such as Bill Ackman.

Prospective new recruits queued excitedly at various ICE centres across the USA, hoping they too could score themselves a big payday. The Daily Ferret interviewed some of the eager queuers, with one, Tatum Biggs, stating ‘I cancelled a big game hunting trip to South Africa this morning when I heard ICE members were scoring a million bucks per soccer mom! Hell, I was all set to pay $60,000 to hunt hippo, but now I can shoot ‘the most dangerous’ game without ever having to leave the country!’, he hollered.

Another, Jason Dobbs, a far more collected prospect than the first, stated that he simply wanted to emulate his hero, Mr. Ross. ‘Ross shot that rabid communist three times in the head, and she couldn’t even hit him with her car,’ he stated reverently. Dobbs also cited the Trump administration’s unwillingness to investigate extra-judicial killings as another motivating factor for joining. ‘I greatly appreciate execution without consequence’, he said perkily.

Meanwhile Karoline Leavitt, the Spokesperson for the Trump Administration, railed against anarchist and communist members of the press who dared question ICE’s supposed heavy-handed methods. ‘Protecting the public from marauding immigrants is our goal, and if that necessitates killing uncooperative members of the public then so be it!’, she exclaimed defiantly.

Gallery Commits Heinous Act of Cultural Appropriation

A display of portraits of the WWI hero Lawrence of Arabia at the National Portrait Gallery in London, led to harrowing scenes of chaos today.

The curators, in an act of unimaginable act of willful idiocy, hung portraits of TE Lawrence wearing traditional Arab dress. Witnesses described gallery-goers being stunned silent by the obscenities hung before them. Some tore their hair out in great clumps, and others screamed “Oh the humanity” while kneeling and shaking their fists heavenward.

The Daily Ferret interviewed some of those gallery visitors whom emergency services could revive, now infamously dubbed ‘The Great Gallery Catastrophe of ’26’. Matthew Pillock, of no fixed abode, quivering prostrate on the cobbles outside, mumbled faintly how the portraits depicted despicable acts of cultural appropriation.

When offered, at great risk to this reporter, that dressing in local garb at the time was a symbol of respect, and that Lawrence’s acts of subterfuge were critical in defeating the brutal Ottoman forces, Pillock recoiled at the perceived heinous collusion.

‘I would rather that Arabs were still enslaved under Ottoman rule than have a Westerner debase them by wearing their native dress’, hissed Mr. Pillock, adjusting his keffiyeh. He suddenly jumped to his feet – smelling a nearby ‘Just Stop Oil’ protest – pushed past and ran off down the street, trailing a miasma of self-righteous indignation.

Others interviewees largely echoed the views of Mr. Pillock, and were similarly appalled by this reporter when it was pointed out that Saudi citizens regularly dress in Western clothes. ‘You’re one of THEM, aren’t you!, they snarled with murderous intent. The Daily Ferret had no choice but to beat a hasty retreat.

If you have been affected by the events reported at the NPG, please don’t contact us.

Kadyrov’s Killer Kidneys

Ramzan Kadyrov, Chechen strongman and dialysis machine superfan, is reportedly at death’s door. Insiders, speaking on condition of anonymity, have revealed the ailing leader is suffering from acute pancreatitis and renal failure. This is the result of decades-long alcohol abuse, which, in a strict Muslim country has raised a few monobrows.

Nevertheless, Kadyrov hopes such a minor indiscretion won’t dash his virgins quota once ‘on the other side’. Despite his professed tireless pursuit of Islamic enlightenment, Kadyrov hopes to focus much of the afterlife knocking boots. Even now, laid up in a hospital bed, looking like a pufferfish on steroids, he soliloquizes on profound topics such as ‘will virgins still be virgins after I sleep with them?’ and ‘can I get an upgrade to more virgins?’. His acolytes stand reverentially around him, marveling at this wisdom.

His impending demise has naturally raised the question of succession. Kadyrov has many children fighting on the frontline in Ukraine, a few of whom he fathered himself. The burning question is which of these will be anointed by ‘Akhmatovic’.

The appointment is not for the faint-hearted. The successor must proudly rule over several million subjects and occasionally ‘press the flesh’. In Chechnya this term, which in the West means shaking hands, refers to the act of firmly working one’s nose up between Putin’s butt cheeks. This, on first impressions, may seem deeply humiliating, but it is in fact a sign of great honor, Kadyrov declares feebly.

The choice will be fraught with risk. Will he appoint his eldest son, affectionally known as ‘the Dunce’ or his trusted top advisor, callsign ‘Rambo’, a Norfolk sheep he befriended while fighting during the first Chechen war.

In the meantime, the future of the Chechen republic blows uncertainly in the wind. From his hospital bed Kadyrov announces with dignity that he’s soiled his nappy again and gestures to the door. His minions dutifully file out.

A basket of fruit arrives from Vladimir Putin, the pint-sized President of Russia. The attached note reads ‘Dear Pig-Dog’. Kadyrov pulls a thin, wretched smile and mumbles ‘Ah ha…, he is using my favorite callsign’. The note continues ‘Enjoy the fruit. Chew carefully, I’d hate for you to choke’

Kadyrov turns pitifully away and asks us to leave. He is clearly overcome with emotion by Vlad’s kind gesture.

We will keep our readers abreast of any developments on Kadyrov’s condition.