Boot-licking supremo Victor Orbán travelled to Russia to go the extra mile
The President of Hungary, Igor, also known by his professional name of Victor Orbán, groveled pitifully before his master, Vladimir Putin, today. The pint-sized President of Russia hosted his fawning minion to discuss mutual cooperation on the economy, security and the provision of slaves for the afterlife. Putin was joined by Sergei Lavrov, the Russian foreign secretary and suspected giant space cockroach.
After copious whipping and boot-licking, Orbán was dragged to the dungeon to have different objects inserted into various orifices. This, the gathered press were assured, was standard protocol in overlord-slave nation relationships.
There was a light-hearted moment when Putin chuckled at Lavrov, who had dislodged his human skin during the furious whipping of Orbán, and who could now be seen tugging at the loose folds of skin with little success.
The wait paid off for the more patient reporters, when several days later Orbán emerged, walking oddly but smiling broadly. At the podium he announced proudly, though weakly, that his left lung and kidney had been successfully removed and that Putin had enjoyed them both greatly – Putin, standing next to him, offered helpfully that ‘I don’t understand why offal is so greatly maligned!’.
Putin turned to his recently appointed head chef, Artyom Kutitov, sniveling on the floor behind him, and generously offered his boot for the culinary genius to lick. Readers might remember that the head chef’s position was vacated by Yevgeny Prigozhin, who died when his private plane suffered an unplanned disassembly at 30,000 ft.
The circumstances of his death are shrouded in mystery, despite a thorough investigation by the Kremlin. As a mark of respect for the fallen hero, Putin had all is assets seized and his extended family executed.
