Trump Sees Green in Greenland
Advisors say Greenland is rich, Trump replies “Yoink!”
Donald Trump, US President and champion of the oppressed, last week announced his renewed interest in invading Greenland, a semi-autonomous territory controlled by Denmark. Despite Denmark’s insistence that they will not cede Greenland under any circumstances, Trump refused to relent. ‘I will bend them to my will!’ shouted the President at a recent press conference.
JD Vance, US Vice President and former sofa-surfer, waded into the furore with pious indignation, supported the calls for annexation by accusing the Danes of historical abuse of indigenous Greenlanders.
‘In America we care about our indigenous people, we give them parcels of wasteland where they can self-govern’, he announced proudly. ‘The wild stories about massacred American Indians during the early years of America colonisation are simply fake news.’
He then began to outline a plan to relocate those inhabitants not killed during the invasion of Greenland to a parcel of pristine dessert in Death Valley National Park. ‘No more heating bills or polar bears!’ he exclaimed with the conviction of a second-hand car salesman.
The motivation for the invasion has been questioned by some political analysts. Trump maintains that Greenland is a security risk to the US, citing the possibility of occupation by Russia or China. ‘Nobody wants to have Russia as a neighbour!’ Trump declared. ‘Alaskans, only 55 miles from Russia territory, tell me this every day’. ‘Were Russia or China to occupy Greenland they would be within 1,200 miles of US soil’, Vance added grimly.
Others say that Trump, emboldened by liberating US resources misplaced under Venezuelan soil, is using that momentum to simply annex Greenland and avoid a lot of paperwork.
We will keep our readers updated for any developments.
“Were Russia or China to occupy Greenland they would be within 1,200 miles of US soil”
