Dangerous Don sets the record straight – ‘I make Rambo look like Mary Poppins’
Donald Trump, US President and bone-spur sufferer, dispelled all confusion regarding his military service during the Vietnam War. At a hastily convened press conference he addressed the libelous and slanderous accusations made against him.
‘I served with the Navy SEALs, the Green Berets and Delta Force all at the same time. I was the only one to graduate from the class, because my instructors told me I was as good, no actually better, than an entire squad.’ Trump stated firmly.
Suddenly his tone darkened and declared ‘All this crap about me dodging the draft is just the mainstream fake news media lying about me. I was winning the Vietnam War single-handedly until the Democrats and Antifa sabotaged everything!’ Trump railed. ‘They always want America to lose, and for that…they…must…pay’ he delivered with a withering glare.
With that Trump turned to a group of grey-haired men, festooned with medals, standing behind him. He embraced them warmly and after much back-slapping and cheek-pinching announced to the crowd, ‘these are my buddies from back in ‘Nam! They served under me and, you know, we did all the usual vet stuff – castrating, deworming, and that thing where you shove your arm up a cow’s ass, right up to the shoulder’, he declared authoritatively. ‘I still do that last one to most European leaders,’ Trump winked.
‘We rode into battle on noble steeds, smiting the heathen Germans as we went. We laid siege to Constantinople, Aleppo and finally Jerusalem – we crushed them all’, Trump recollected proudly. Then, with a mix of triumph and indignation, declared he’d returned heroically with the Lost Ark of the Covenant and the Golden Fleece, only for ‘those stupid Democrats to lose them in that big warehouse. They did it on purpose to make me look bad, very bad’, he hissed.
‘To address these egregious acts of character assassination we will be rounding up ‘unfriendly’ journalists and giving them the option of death by either electrocution or shark’, he offered ominously.
At this point The Daily Ferret made a hasty exit to cover other pressing stories outside the US, and alas could not cover the rest of the presser.
