Dmitri Medvedev – Putin’s Gimp

Medvedev speaks candidly about pineapples

The Russian Security Council president Dmitri Medvedev has had an exciting and varied career. Having led Russia as Prime Minister, then President and again as Prime Minister, Medvedev knows what true, raw power feels like. However, it is only now in his new role, he admits, that he truly understands it. And that is as Putin’s gimp.

Now, instead of dressing in snappy Armani suits, Berluti shoes and Patek Philippe watches, he wears PVC, latex, choke chains and gag-balls.

‘I know dat vorld tinks iz easy job, bat, iz not’, Medvedev says in a thick Russian accent. Though once a fluent english speaker, months of oxygen starvation to his brain has led to profound and long lasting impairment. Speaking through his interpreter and carer, Piotr the Pulverizer, Medvedev relays that although his boss presents as a cool character to the outside world, behind closed doors he a unhinged sexual maniac.

Medvedev gingerly leads us down a set of stairs, along a winding corridor and into Putin’s sex dungeon. The walls are padded and soundproofed, the ceiling is fitted with an assortment of chains and pulleys, and to one side of the room stands a table adorned with implements of sexual torture. There is a large garden gnome, rubber gloves, pineapples, a bowling ball, nipple tassels and a microwave oven, to name a few.

In one corner stands a 3 foot model of the Teletubby, Dipsy, fitted with a gag-ball. With sunken eyes it’s leaning miserably against the wall, its once glossy coat encrusted by a myriad of unidentifiable stains. Medvedev points to it, mumbles something in Russian, and shudders.

He stands there for a moment, and finally announces he’s soiled himself. The burdens of his new job have taken their toll on his shattered body, and he bleats he’s close to exhaustion. ‘Once the Boss inserted a bowling ball and three pineapples, one after the other. Sadly, sphincter reconstruction surgery is still primitive in Russia, his interpreter explains. Medvedev simply says “sometimes I bleed”, grimaces at the terrible memories and makes for the door.

The interview ends. Being careful to avoid shaking hands, we point to our watches, exit the palace, bundle into our van and flee the country.

“sometimes I bleed” – Medvedev